SOMETHING THAT SUCKS #17: Hitler’s Last Surviving Bodyguard is Getting Older…Can’t Keep Up With All the Fan Mail
BERLIN (Reuters) – More than 65 years after World War Two, Adolf Hitler’s last surviving bodyguard says that he can no longer respond to the continuous deluge of fan mail he receives from around the world, because of his advanced age.
Rochus Misch is 93 and uses a walking frame to move around his apartment. He told the Berliner Kurier tabloid that, with most of the letters he receives asking for autographs, it was “no longer possible” to reply because of his age.
“They (letters) come from Korea, from Knoxville, Tennessee, from Finland and Iceland — and not one has a bad word to say,” said Misch, who is believed to be the last man alive to have seen Hitler and other top-ranking Nazis in the flesh.
In the past Misch used to send fans autographed copies of wartime photos of himself in a neatly pressed SS uniform. Now the incoming fan mail, including letters and packages, piles up in his flat in south Berlin’s leafy Rudow neighborhood.
Misch also served as Hitler’s telephone operator and courier. His memoirs, “The Last Witness,” were published in 2008 in Germany and are in the works to become a feature film.
Can someone inform these people that the Nazi’s lost and Germany’s been attempting to scrub Hitler’s image from their national identity ever since? Either this Misch guy is full of shit, or there are a bunch of delusional people in the world who support his actions which probably included drunkenly swinging newborn children around his head until they were dead. Parties in those Nazi bunkers definitely got weird.
This has to be a very strange comparison to make but…is this man the ultimate rockstar? Guy is hanging out in the 30’s and 40’s, balling out, partying with Hitler, having one night stand’s with Aryan chicks and now living out his golden years reading fan mail? The Nazi’s lost the war but this Misch apparently won.
Also, are these people from America writing these guy mentally defected? I mean, they obviously are but don’t they get that if Misch had his way your bloodline would have been cut off and there’d be statues of Hitler and his mustache in every pre-school and kids would be fingerpainting with Jewish blood?
Middle America: loving the retroactive enemy, bleeding patriotism.
SOMETHING THAT SUCKS #16: Getting Owned and Emasculated by Kim Clijsters in Front of an Entire Crowd at the Australian Open
Tough break here for Todd Woodbridge but this is what you get when you violate the #1 law of a woman’s wrath: if you have to question it, then she probably isn’t pregnant. Don’t even think about it and whatever you do, don’t voice it out loud to their friend, in this case Rennae Stubbs. This Woodbridge guy had this coming all the way.
I only have one problem with how Clijsters handled this, that being that she should have really sold it. When Woodbridge put his hand on her she should have gotten stern and smacked it away and then proceeded to continue verbally devouring him. She should have played it real straight and mean, before maybe (or maybe not) letting him off the hook at the end with a smile and laugh. Maybe with a line like “my boobs are huge anyway”…something classy to say in front of a crowd.
Still, calculated public embarrassment like this is seldom, and in this case, pitch perfect.
SOMETHING THAT’S AWESOME #21: This Goal in a Game Between Villareal and Osasuna
One of my great achievements in 2010 was setting the XBOX Live record for “Fastest Goal in the Arena” in FIFA 2011 with 2.1 seconds. That is, until my bastard roommate toppled that with 1.86 seconds. All that hard work…gone…
Either way, that profound achievement involves kicking the virtual futbol as soon as you get it and essentially willing the ball into the virtual goal with your mind. The process can take a long time and is with complete honesty, totally fruitless. The satisfaction I derived with a quivered shout of “YES!” was nothing compared to the time I wasted.
Point being, no matter how much FIFA I play, I don’t think I’ll ever see or score a goal like this one. This guy literally just boots the ball and it falls perfectly into the goal right over the goalies lame duck stance. The icing on the cake has to be the announcer who makes the all time worst cheesy joke on the shooters name: “Cani? Well he could!”
Way to earn that paycheck.
SOMETHING THAT’S AWESOME #20: Billy Walters, Gambling God and Most Dangerous Sports Bettor in Las Vegas
I would say make a movie about Billy Walters and his rags to riches story but the 3rd act would become full of tedium once people realized the man has never had a losing year. Flying around in $20 million jets, owning 7 homes and 4 golf courses, influencing Vegas gambling lines, taking advice from a counsel of experts and and a real life Rain Man sports savant…just another day at the office.
I was in Vegas a few months ago and nearly had an adrenaline heart attack from sitting in the Mirage sports book and watching 8 NFL games, a few NBA games and horse racing all at once with hundred’s of others swooning with every point and penalty on every screen. It was either adrenaline or drinking free Bud Light from 8am to 9pm but regardless…I want to get a direct line to Billy Walters. I can’t golf or gamble well but I can’t help but think he’d find something endearing in my futility and take me under his wing.
Or he’ll just sit at his mansions and make millions watching sports. Yeah, probably the latter.
SOMETHING THAT’S AWESOME #19: College Student Doesn’t Wash Jeans for 15 Months…Significant Bacteria and Grime Not Found
What’s the longest you’ve gone without washing your jeans?
If your answer was less than 15 months, Joshua Le has you beat.
The University of Alberta student decided while he was breaking in the raw denim pants, he would track how much bacteria they were packing. He would wear them almost every day, sometimes even sleeping in them.
Le’s human ecology professor Rachel McQueen tested the jeans. She found bacteria, but nothing that should make a healthy person sick.
“He’s very strong, he’s healthy, he doesn’t have any underlying illnesses,” says McQueen. “He didn’t have any cuts, any abrasions to the skin that could have had the potential for some of that bacteria to get into the body. They were harmless for Josh.”
To say this is a victory for the entire human race might be an understatement. The oft debated “breaking in” period for jeans is hotly contested from man to man (I’m leaving college aged females out of this, as far as I know they don’t have everyday jeans). Joshua Le took the hit for all of us and took the breaking in to another level, doing serial killer meets fashionista by keeping the battered jeans in the freezer to keep them fresh (roommates must have loved this).
I feel this method might sweep the lazy huddled masses yearning to be wash-free, whose normal method of simply sniffing the jeans and either shrugging or audibly displaying their surprised disgust seem downright primitive
SOMETHING THAT SUCKS #15: This “If Your (sic) Single So Am I” Shirt
When people are sitting around wondering why the divorce rate in America is in the region of 40% to 50%, at least we can look at a shirt like this and say “ah, yes.”
What this shirt really says is a few things:
1) “Apart from at least pretending I have an interest in monogamy, I suffer from terrible grammar. ‘Your’ single vs. if ‘you’re’ (you are) single clearly didn’t phase the designer of this shirt or myself, who bought this obnoxiously promiscuous shirt regardless.”
2) “If you’ve got a venereal disease, and I’ve got a venereal disease, do two negatives make a positive?”
3) “I’m a keeper. I promise I’ll only wear this shirt when you’re gone for the weekend and looking to get something on the side. It’s priced $18.60 because that’s the year Benedict Arnold was bor—he was born in 1741? Same thing.”
4) “The hearts on this shirt are drawn to scale my own.”
5) “In bar light, I looked alright, in day light I’ll look desperate.”
Or in more direct terms: “I hate my father.”
SOMETHING THAT SUCKS #14: When Some Hoodlums Snort the Ashes of Your Father and Your 2 Dogs
MARION COUNTY, FLORIDA — The Marion County Sheriff’s Office has uncovered an unusual case involving three teens and the ashes of a dog and a human.
Back in December, a woman discovered her Silver Springs Shores area home ransacked, with several items missing, including electronics, jewelry and the ashes of her late father and two Great Danes.
According to authorities, the suspects mistook the ashes for cocaine and snorted them.
After realizing they mistakenly had the remains of the dogs and the victim’s father, according to the sheriff’s office, the suspects dumped the ashes.
…
The teens are also accused in another burglary in which they “impaired” the phone line to the home. The homeowners were awakened by loud banging noises on Jan. 14, and at one point, were face-to-face with one of the suspects. The suspects were able to escape.
I don’t know where these guys think they were but…walking in to rob a place and finding a vase/urn/whatever full of what you assume is cocaine? This isn’t Scarface guys.
Although 2 of them are 19 and one is 18, rookie behavior like this will not suffice when cutting yourself out for a criminal lifestyle. They got the electronics, good. Jewelry, fine. Not being able to differentiate between mammal ashes and cocaine? Were they trying to recoup their losses from buying fresh cut lawn grass they thought was weed the week before?
There was that story a few years ago where Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards admitted to snorting his fathers ashes mixed with cocaine wherein Richards said “it went down pretty well.” If Jose David Diaz Marrero’s (4 names? is this guy royalty?) above mugshot is any indication, human and dog ash hybrid powder might become the new “in” drug.
SOMETHING THAT’S AWESOME #19: This Brett Favre Themed Parody of LeBron’s Rise Commercial
No words. Just perfect.
SOMETHING THAT SUCKS #13: Large Beer vs. Small Beer at Qwest Field in Seattle
At the end of this video when the guy filming says “calllll the cahhhpsss!”, he’s really not far off. As if it wasn’t bad enough that the Seattle Seahawks made it into the playoffs with a losing record (and a -97 point different, with the 5th easiest schedule in the NFL, AND losing 7 of their last 10!), now they’re charging $1.25 more for a beer that’s the same size.
Someone get these guys some kind of medal or something, this is thievery of the highest degree. When your owner is Paul Allen (worth a measly $12.7 billion) and you own Chelsea soccer club as well and you’re doing shit like this…you’ve become a vile, vile man.
SOMETHING THAT’S AWESOME #17: 14 Year Old Shoots 17 Year Old in the Face, Stops Robbery
Source: Fox16
HOT SPRINGS, Ark. (AP) — Hot Springs police say a 14-year-old boy home alone shot a 17-year-old boy in the face, ending an attempted burglary.
Police say they responded to a call about 7:30 a.m. Monday concerning a shooting and learned about the attempted home invasion.
Police Cpl. McCrary Means tells the Hot Springs Sentinel-Record that an 18-year-old and two 17-year-olds tried to burglarize the home before the 14-year-old fired at them, hitting one of the 17-year-olds.
Means says the two uninjured suspects dragged their wounded colleague down the street, left him in a car and tried to flee, but police apprehended the pair moments later.
Means says the injured suspect is in critical condition at a Little Rock hospital.
He says the two other suspects face felony burglary charges.
Move along, nothing to see here, just your typical Arkansas youth taking care of business. I posted a screencap of A Christmas Story because I’m sure that’s the only way cops could describe this: “no, he shot the other guys eye out, not his own.” - “Oh, we need this guy on the force.”
This kid (probably) heard these guys coming in for his XBOX games and took matters into his own hands with his parents gun. The real question is, what is this kid going to get in return for protecting the house with such valor? I’m going to say that instead of the dollar menu at McDonald’s he’s going to get a stacked burger at Friendly’s or something. I don’t know what the exchange rate is on thwarting home invasions at 14 is these days, but I definitely would have been able to fanagle a sloppy, unhealthy, fattening of the Ameircan youth meal. I hope he eats it while stroking the gun openly at the restaurant, eyeballing whoever crosses his path, fear paralyzing their heart in tandem with the melted 3 cheeses acting as an unneeded steroid for their cholesterol.
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